Dear Mom and Dad,

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for the thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up-to-date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not going to read any further unless you are sitting down. Okay? Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now.
The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my hostel when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital, and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches once a day. Fortunately, I was really well looked after quite well in the hospital by a nurse and she was instrumental in putting me back in shape. She also visited me in the hostel after I got discharged and since I had nowhere else to study because of the burnt-out reading room, she was kind enough to invite me to share her room with me. She is a very fine girl and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before her pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mother and Dad, she is pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my girlfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from showing it to the gynaecologist and I carelessly caught it from her. This will clear up with the penicillin injections we are now taking daily. We have even decided to cut down on our alcohol intake keeping in mind the future of your grandchild. I know you will welcome her into the family with open arms. Although she is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your oft-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that her skin color is somewhat different than ours. I am sure that you will love her as I do. Her family background is good too, for I am told that her father is an important engineer for the sanitation department he works for. Although they say he runs his office from his truck.
Now that I have brought you up-to-date, folks, I want to tell you that there was no hostel fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis, and there is no ashwariya in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in Anatomy and an "F" in Biochemistry, ...and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.

Your loving son.